The Column
My husband, having spent the morning sleeping until nearly 11, lay disheveled in bed. He was gesturing to me to come join him in bed for some snuggles and God knows what else. I, on the other hand, had been wrangling children, ordering groceries, doing laundry, and trying to find some peace before Sunday gets the best of us like it usually does. I had stopped in the bedroom to grab some laundry and finally throw some clothes on of my own.
He again gestured for me to abandon the cause and get back in bed with him.
“Thanks, but I don’t want to,” I said.
I likely had a note of “are you serious?” exasperation in my voice, but I was overall matter of fact. I gave him a small smile and walked out to get back to my agenda of things I wanted to get done.
That phrase stuck with me. It’s not a thing I usually say, but today– I said it. I didn’t want to do something that someone I love asked me to do, so I didn’t. And I didn’t feel guilty about saying no. I felt empowered.
You should understand my husband is a great guy and he looked pretty cute all disheveled in bed. My statement was a reaction to the practice of dismantling a lifetime of people-pleasing; a life of hypervigilance, emotional management, and being worried about–well, just about everything. My husband didn’t cause the reaction, but his lack of ability to read the room certainly created the perfect climate for me to discover my new motto, and the title of this column.
“Thanks, But I Don’t Want To” is a column: an ongoing commentary written by a millennial eldest daughter, cancer sun, recovering perfectionist who’s learning to say “no thanks,” even when it’s uncomfortable. Especially when it’s uncomfortable. This column is about unlearning productivity for productivity’s sake by doing less, living more, releasing generational narratives, and embracing NO as a complete sentence. It’s the “I don’t want to be in a situation for even an hour where I’m not enjoying myself” Kim Cattrall quote, come to life.
It’s waking up from a long spell shaped by patriarchy and consumerism.
“Thanks, But I Don’t Want To” is about learning to live for ourselves so we have more to give to the people who matter, and saying goodbye to those who could never reciprocate to begin with.
My life’s work has always been about questioning what we were told to believe and accept. This is what it looks like to shift perspective and then, finally, put a new perspective into action.